twenty

nineteen

After being in a car for over 10 hours the past day with no iPod or cds for entertainment I have a few observations about radio...

1. As much as I love NPR, I no longer have any warm feelings for All Things Considered. The show-runners are boring and no matter how interesting the segment is, I can't seem to pay attention.

2. Eight times of listening to the David Bowie/Bing Crosby version of Little Drummer Boy is eight times too many. (Although, the video I linked to is creepier to watch than actually listening to it.)

3. I don't think it is possible to find a station playing Christmas music at night that doesn't have Delilah as well.

4. Drops of Jupiter is the most nonsensical song I've heard 4 times in 5 hours. Or ever.

5. This is the first Christmas that I have not heard a single Mannheim Steamroller re-make. It is pretty great.

Aside from my radio observations (er, complaints) my short trip to Louisiana was really nice. I wish that I had been able to spend more time there, but my lost luggage abbreviated my stay. Driving was pretty great even though I think I might have had my fill for a couple of days. Now, if only the stars will come out I will have done everything that I wanted to do/see.

eighteen

After over an hour of delays at LaGuardia, a missed connection in Atlanta, an added trip to Tampa, and a lost suticase, I made it home.

seventeen

This time tomorrow I will be getting off a plane in Gulfport, Mississippi, a 45 minute drive from my house, and beginning the 9 days of loving harassment I will experience at the hands of my family. I'm pretty excited.

Things I'm looking forward to:
1. Good food. I guess 24 years of living in the South, more explicitly 18 years on the seafood laden coast of Alabama and 6 years immersed in Cajun cuisine, has made me a little partial to the food I abandoned over 4 months ago.
2. Playing games. I finally corrupted my youngest sister about 2 years ago with the joy of board games. She became a zealous convert. Now, she requests that we play games all the time. I couldn't be prouder.
3. Making coconut balls. I miss my grandma. She is so cute and sweet. And the best grandma ever. She sends me cards just to tell me she is thinking about me. Also, she makes the best breakfast in the world.
4. Walking outside without a coat. And scarf. And gloves. And hat.
5. A fire in the fireplace. And maybe convincing my parents that making smores is a great idea.
6. My bed. I miss it.
7. Keeping my gifts a secret this year from my step-mom. She always manages to find out what everyone is giving everyone else. But not this year. Yeah, you read that right, woman. I'm not telling.
8. Listening to Christmas music in the car. I'm so excited to be riding in a car for 9 days and not sitting next to two people making out and taking up so much room you are crammed against the bar in the middle of the bench. That happened last night.

I know I'm going to miss NY. I'm beginning to fall in love with the city. But I also miss my family. I miss how slow things are in Mobile. And I think 9 days is a welcome respite from the craziness of the last month.

sixteen

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
- Teddy Roosevelt

fifteen

Today I found out that I will be celebrating the new year alone in NYC. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It is a weird feeling trying to figure out what to do with yourself on holidays when you've never really spent them alone.

A quick FYI - I lost my phone Thursday. I'm going to AT&T tomorrow to see if I am due for an upgrade. If not, I suppose I will be sans cell phone for a while. Which, in my opinion, could be quite nice. I feel so attached to this inanimate object that sometimes I think it controls my actions. That feeling really bugs me. I don't ever want to feel that a cell phone is necessary to my existence.

I am also out of a job. After telling me how fantastic I am and how they couldn't have made it through the past month without me, I was let go. I'm not that upset about it. Actually, everyone I've told about it is more upset than I am. I do lament the lack of income I am once again faced with, but this job would have sucked my soul. 50 - 60 hour weeks are never good for anyone. They did say that they would be in contact with me in the new year for some freelance work, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm not quite sure what I am going to do with myself this week. I'll be applying for jobs again, but I think I need to start researching how to sell things I can make. At least that will supplement my lack of income for a while. Maybe.

I miss everyone and can't wait to see all of you in 6 days!

fourteen

Being sick sucks.

I stayed home from work today. It was supposed to be my "last" day of the three-week trial period. Tomorrow will be that day instead. There has been no talk of me either staying or going. Which I have taken to be a bad sign and started looking for jobs again today.

I had another "Why am I here?" moment today. I was chatting online with a friend and we were talking about how I was sick and and what kind of sick and blah blah blah. It was suggested that I go to the doctor because this is a little worse than the common cold and my response was, "With what money and insurance?" And then I became kind of sad. I left a good job that was paying me well with job security. I had friends which I seem to be unable to make here. I wasn't getting sick once a month. Everyone I loved was, at the most, a day away. My life could be a lot harder, so I feel a little ridiculous letting myself get mopey. Being sick does not bring out the best in me. My parents can most definitely attest to 18 years of that. But sick or not, nervous or secure, I am growing and changing and becoming more like the person I want to be. And I think that makes all of this worth it.

thirteen

At this very moment I am sitting at work waiting on some files to finish rendering. Three of my co-workers are still here and they are watching Dave Chappelle clips online. Apparently his dream is to marry Oprah because she is so rich.

So, I'm a little nervous about my employer's decision to move me into a full-time position. Actually, I'm quite nervous. But I was thinking about it last night and I began to see the benefits of not becoming a permanent employee here. I wouldn't still be at work at 8:30. Or 9:30. Or 10:30. Also, I wouldn't be doing work for giant corporations basically convincing people to buy things they don't need or have the money for. That is pretty much what I hate about graphic design. So often it seems to be used for evil. Aren't we in a recession? Shouldn't the American consumer be evaluating what living within their means looks like? Should companies like the one I work for really be convincing people that one more gadget will make them hipper, their life a little better? How much of a hypocrite am I for working here even though I don't believe in what I am doing? And why are my fingers always cold?

Other than my ethical dilemma, things are going fairly well. I work a lot. Basically 12 and 13 hour days. This week, I had two days where I left at 8. That was really exciting. I was kind of hoping today would be one of those days, but that was wishful thinking. Instead I am here, waiting on these files to finish rendering. But I suppose it is a good thing because now I am blogging. And it has been a while.

Since I missed getting to write about what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving I'll do that now...

1. I'm thankful that I am here in NY. It took a while to be thankful for that, but I am now. I'm beginning a life here. And that is good. Because there were many days where I sat in my apartment believing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life moving here and that I was an incredibly foolish person for having done it. I no longer feel that way. I think a large part of that rests on the fact that if I suddenly quit existing in the city someone (other than my roommates) would notice. Also, I'm beginning to feel a sense of community here. I don't like feeling lonely and have never been good at living solitarily. But now I seem to be making some friends and attempting to get involved at church, although I don't know how much I will be able to commit to that if I stay at this job.

2. I'm thankful for free movies at MoMA on Fridays. Without that I don't think I would have the opportunity to see obscure movies that I otherwise couldn't. I usually try to get there a little early and see different parts of the museum, but the crowds are so overwhelming on free Fridays that I usually look at the photography section and then go sit in the theater and read until my movie starts.

3. I'm thankful for my friends still keeping up with me. I've been incommunicado the past two and a half weeks, but they are still calling me and trying to keep up with me. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Especially because I miss all of them tremendously and wish they could all move up here with me. But they have their lives to lead, so I suppose I'll be understanding.

4. I'm thankful for Lauren sending me the soundtrack to Spring Awakening in the mail. I was so surprised and excited. I haven't stopped listening to it since I got it. FYI - We saw Spring Awakening this past weekend. It was my first Broadway performance as a New Yorker.

5. I'm thankful for my family paying for me to come home for Christmas. I'm so excited. Although my plan of making Christmas presents because I am flat broke hasn't been going so well. Really, it was getting this crazy job. But whatever, I'm ready to see my family. And my miscellaneous friends who will be in the area.

Okay, that is enough. I'm still waiting on these files to render, but I need to stop myself before I write a novel. I miss everyone so much and I can't wait to see most of you around Christmas!!!!